I forgot

I forgot how to feel. I forgot how is it to miss someone.
I do miss my friend. I miss my youth.
I forgot what does it feel to have your heart flutter. The guy who did that to me before is a cheater. I don't miss him. Not anymore. I hate him in fact. Too much.
He makes me hate. He makes my heart harden, even further.

He makes me forget that I, too, have feeling.

Hello darkness

What is wrong with me sometimes? Why am I being this at this state. Why am I kidding myself? Have I push myself hard enough?
What am I aiming?
Who am I kidding?
Where am I going?
Swallowing my own spit is not an option.

There there...

Brain. Where are you?
How are you doing?
What about your faith?
Have you lose it?
Why?
It's heart that always have doubt.
You should be the reasonable one.

You.
You deserve better.
You deserve happiness.

Ignorance is a bliss..

So I had a second look into this saying today.

Ignorance is a bliss. It really is.
I really want to be happy in whatever I do and however I live.
Anyway  don't want to be an ignorant.

In an article I read today it says on 15 things you need to give up in order to be happy.

I do agree with most of it, except I just notice that the writer is asking us to just be an ignorant.

"Give up your resistance to change, Give up the luxury of criticism, Give up complaining, Give up on blame, Give up on being always right.."

Well they are innocent enough when you read it at first but I am just reading about the other topic on our minister asking us to work 2 jobs to be able to live comfortably in our environment.
I have to criticize and blame them for the price hike and their ignorance on middle income people like us. Those who want to live comfortably without sacrificing our need to be with family, friend, social needs, emotional need. 

I do notice how this writer ask us not to care so much for the things around us (else we will complaint too much ain't us? and complaining, and blaming. While we are complaining to the higher authority, we need to stand for our right shan't us? 
This will apply also if I decide to care for other issue in the world today. If I just ignore the climate issue for example, or refugee issue, and don't speak out, I will be more happy won't I?

I decide that I will not be an ignorant today, no matter how much I want to be happy. I will be a happy person who live happily helping people.
That's what I decide to do.

My master's journey

man... it's hard.

I has been 4 months and I haven't able to grasp yet about this reality. I am so lost and not sure what am I doing.
Others already submitted their thesis and here I am still struggling in writing the literature review. I didn't even remember (know) what is the literature review and how am I suppose to write it when I was first told to write my proposal.
It's so damn hard.

I am already late to submit, yet I am still not finish.

I want to do this but I just feel so damn hard at time.

Everybody else already start their review and where I am?
Here, and I wanna cry.

No, I don't want to cry. I am just exhausted. My neck pained, my back hurts, my hand tired, my eyes... just like zombie. If there's zombie apocalypse right now, they won't know I'm human. I may be able to escape. Heck, I may not know it's zombie apocalypse outside.

p/s: this is my first time writing about my master's journey. It may not be the last time.
p/s/s: damn it's hard to be and older student.

new life

I conclude my working life today. I can't believe it actually. I really miss working already. I am not sure why but I miss my office.
It's not perfect, it don't pay very well, but I can't stop missing it. It's true though.
After 7 full years, I finally leave my work. It's depressing but it's fulfilling too.
I learn communicate. I got to travel a lot. I earn my enrich point so much. I got to go to Korea, China (many places), India, Indonesia, Japan, Italy, Austria, Germany, Thailand, Vietnam all in the name of work. I got to travel first class once in the name of work. I got to meet many people from many places, I learn a lot of new things in the name of work.
Anyway, there's a lot of thing which I can't wait to get rid of, to get better of, and many more. I loss sleep, I hate my superior, my colleague, my company, my job, my management, my pay. I see my youth leave me, wasted. I hate to be burdened with so many works and feel unappreciated, then blamed. I hate doing extra work but nobody actually appreciated. I am sad that my pay is so low i can't even buy a house. I hate that I began hating travel because I have been depressed. Yes, I get depression working in this company. I see no improvement, I see that I cannot grow anymore in the place I am. I am worried I'm gonna die alone. My health become so bad I keep getting sick. I get so exhausted I don't care about other things. I give up all hope, I give up motivation. I lost all interest, I lost all motivation, I lost purpose.
That's why I need to quit. I need to recharge. I need to find all the things which I lost. I need to refresh. I need to find all the good thing which lost being under this depression. I need to learn new things and feel useful again. I do love a lot of things, but I need to find a reason to love again because I've forgotten how.

p/s: rant initially written but not posted in 4th Sept 2015, so no I am not just conclude my working life today, and yes I quite miss working, and another yes studying is hard like. Really hard. Up all night doing assignment I feel I'm too old to do this.

New

Hello world.
It has been a while.
It's because I've been ranting on the other side of the world lately.
No, actually there's too many apps, too many social networking, too busy, and lots more. I lost track of my life.
So, what's new? I've been transferred to another section. Yeah. Mean no more auditing (that's fine) but no more travel too (omaigoshwhatamigonnado). I haven't figure that out yet. I also just bought a house for my self. Yes. The most expensive thing, property I even own (about to own). Yes it's not final yet. So, it is the most challenging thing I have to deal with at the moment. Other than the bossy boss who can't boss well. I am okay to leave him. More than okay, but I just don't know about future yet.
Work have been really craaaazzzyyyyyyyy lately, but I got to go to Italy, Germany and Austria for work so I think I was not bad. I just gonna miss that travel sooooo much.
I fall in love. Or maybe the idea of fall in love. I can't fall in love with somebody I don't know or I can't even remember face right? The idea to fall in love is kinda nice. But I have yet to find my Mr right. Maybe I'm still too scared. I just hope that life will be better after this, life will fall into places so I can find my Benedict Cumberbatch, or Joseph-Gordon Levitt or even George Clooney. I'm gonna learn some new language, most probably mba mandarin, French and Germany. I just fall in love with Guten morgen I think .

And I am planning to start a new blog. The real one. Maybe a really good one. To share and do thing I love. And I decide to write so writing a well known blog could help to promote.
I hope.

Life doesn't end when you ask them to stop. It will end when you stop trying.

tuhan, aku hanya minta diberikan kekuatan...

aku hanya minta diberikan kekuatan ya Allah,
jadi aku dapat menjalani hidup dengan lebih baik...
jadi aku dapat tabah menghadapi ujianMu.

maka, aku tidak minta agar diberikan hidup yang mudah,
kerana aku tahu, tiada kejayaan dapat dikecapi dengan mudah,
tapi, jangan la Kau beriku ujian demi ujian, yang tidak dapat aku tempuhi,
kerana, sesungguhnya aku ini hambaMu yang lemah...

tuhan,
aku dambakan ketenangan,
adakah jalan yang kupilih selama ini salah?
jika ia, tunjukkanlah aku jalan yang benar...

25August2012(12:41) = 7 shawwal1433H