just me ranting~

I feel sooo bad sometimes.

I feel so jealous looking at other people and find them having a good life. smooth life.
true, I dont know for sure how good their life is.
I don't know for sure what difficulties they are facing.
sometimes i just feel so give up with this life i'm leading.
I think I tried hard enuf. i've tried my best but still....
I don't know, is my life is just not blessed?

I alwiz say that I don't care, but lately I've been feeling it.
It is human nature right, to feel loved and cared for. especially a woman like me. (I'm a woman right. no longer a girl. but the sound of it just a little bit weird :P)
At times I just feel like saying this to him. (is it just him, why do I feel something for someone else currently.... it really makes me feel upset. :( )
I feel sad sometimes to go back to my hometown after my younger sister got married recently.
I feel how wonderful it is if I got my own kids. I wanna go home and see them grow up. Then grow old with them, with my loved one. I'm just not lucky enuf to find someone who would love me as much.... :( :( :(
and this feeling is too much lately...

*oh, this gonna be a bit long I think**

I go see my fren's facebook and all... and find mostly have their own business or hobby or something that they can be proud of.
and me? I have nothing. I can't even do my own set of teeth after the accident. do my lasik. buy my own house. or even own a better car. I can't even afford a nice vacation, a hobby or something... all I have is a big debt. which growing....... :( :(
even the fren which make me in such a big debt is having her big business now.
I don't know... don't I try hard enough? Or am I just not lucky? Or am I damned?.......

I was a smart girl in school. I was the best student. I win many competition.
I don't want to involve in love while studying. I am afraid that I will flop. my parents is expecting the best from me. I was afraid that I might do something which I will regret and sinful.
yet... I don't know why it turned out this way....
those kids which do not perform so well in school is doing much better than me now. have a happy family, and did not carry out the big sins. They are the one who flirt and have so much 'love' relationship during school, being socialize....

work have not been easy on me also.
Before this I was so jealous with my friend for having such nice job, with nice pay, with great satisfaction.
But I was thinking maybe I was not thankful enuf, so I learn to accept that.
My life is like that, my job is like that, so all I can do is make the best of it...
But still, after try so hard, and put so much on works, I still.....
I think I put too much on my job already. I work daily till very late. I work from home, I work even during weekend.
but still.... still seems not enuf. what shall I do... what shall I do...?

I just don't understand.
I just hope I can overcome this.
But how to reverse something you can't reverse? Undo things you have done?

If my life is to be a bad one, let me have a good afterlife....
please..........

:( :( ;(

~in teary mode~