Sometimes I feel like I just want to die

 I hope this blog will not emerge when I'm about to get my nobel prize one day. or when I decide that I shall be the Prime Minister or President or something.

I can't be more depressed that I already am, can I?

Remember when I was at the lowest point in my life? This ain't so much different either. I feel so hopeless, things like moving nowhere. I'm going nowhere. Sometimes I just want some human touch. I need to talk to people. At least some people who want to talk to me.

My family ignore me. Friend? Do I have any?

Sometimes I feel really lonely.

Sometimes I just want to meet new people sometimes I'm just too afraid.

Sometimes it's too painful.

Sometimes I crave human interaction. I need to feel needed. I want to be wanted. I want to be included.

People are mean.

I hate people.

26-Nov-2020.

p/s: I just confirm today that I didn't pay for my road tax since 18-Sept-2020.

29 March 2019

Today isn't a good day. As always, when I decide to write.

I fight with people on the internet. I fight with a friend through whatsapp. I fight against a friend i met only once. Etc.

I can't focus. I can't read. I can't clean up my house. I can't sleep properly.

I can't do a lot of thing.

It's not helping when your neighbour is doing renovation. 

I was planning to go to Fraser's hill or Cameron Highland but I can't bring myself to do it. I can't even clean my house.

Ok this is going to be long but I don't know where it's going. I am going to buy some dinner and go back for cleaning up and then go out again for Shazam. I should have been applying for job for the past 2 weeks but I didn't do anything. The problem is, I can't read I can't do anything. Shall I quit the internet all together?

I wish I know the answer.

6 March 2019

My Wolverine is having this issue again.

Yesterday as I was driving home from work, I need to overtake a very slow car driving in front of me. So I take the right lane and step on the accelerator. Suddenly the engine light blinking and the car began to shack vigorously when I slowed down. It is really upsetting, but what can I do... I have been neglecting the care for so many months now. I even skip the regular service until almost 2 months later.

So this morning I skip work to go to the workshop. Actually, I plan to take just a few hours off, but I am too scared about the damage to my car that I have been delaying it so much. I also plan to just take the day off.

What I don't expect is people looking for me in the office. First is Shal when actually it is Atun looking for some documents or something. Then suddenly my "friend" AC call me. (It is in "" because he keep mentioning that, nothing more). It was unexpected. I initially don't want to talk to pick up any office call but I just did, wondering what makes him call me. When I said hello suddenly he said he was looking for Shal. I said this is not her, and he knows her number maybe? Then he proceeds by asking me if I'm on leave today which I said I am. He said it is because I live far, which confuses me. Anyway, he said ok and see me tomorrow, which I agree. That's just about 11.40am when it's about to lunch hour. I don't think he accidentally calls me or he doesn't know my colleague's number. I think he purposely calls to make sure I am still working there. I can't say that he misses me that's absurd, even though he seems to be coming to our office every day and finding reasons to talk to me? I don't know, people can be weird.

Anyway, Ida also looks for me, wondering if I'm sick or anything. Don't know that I somehow put some impact on people especially when I am leaving.

Talking about Wolverine, I don't know how much damage did I have to handle. The coil, the bulb, the sensors. Well, later will have to upload the photo of actual cost and what did happen today.

So for today's story, I just want to highlight on these few events that I found interesting. Funnily enough, I have a crush on YF but this AC seems to keep giving me attention.

...something missing?

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T V W X Y Z

have I missed 

something?

yes..

i missed "U"

hey you!

hey!

Never ever play with my feeling! Or you might regret it.


Suddenly feel so stupid.

So stupid.

my confusion, your doing

this thing I wanna know.

I've accept that this is just a temporary
I've accept that this feeling is not mutual
I've accept that I might have thought wrongly
I've accept that you actually treat others the same way, maybe better
I've accept that I am not an important figure to you, and maybe you to me...

But..

Why do you have to seems to care to what I do?
Why do you have to seems to care to what I write?
Why do you have to seems to care to where I post my photo?
Why do you have to seems to care to how I live my life?
Why do you have to seems to care to what I eat?
Why do you have to seems to care to what I think?
Why do you have to seems to care to what I feel?
Why do you have to seems to care to where was I at certain time?

Why do seems to know as if you follow what I did?

Just stop all that and I'll be fine.
Cause I'm born to survive.
Cause I'm not born to make others suffer.
Cause I'm not born to depends on others.
Cause I'm born to make others smile.
all the people around me.

Even if it makes me cry...

parah parah parah

kenapa parah?
siapa parah?
apa yang parah?


huhuhu... semuanya aku.
aku tak tau kenapa, aku tak tau sebab apa, dan obviously, aku tak tau macamana nak overcome ni.
aku tak tau mcmana boleh aku igt pada seseorang yang aku tak pasti igt kat aku tak.
seseorang yg sedang fikir pasal aku tak.
aku sekarang tertanya-tanya, samaada dia
- fikir pasal aku
- ingat dekat aku
- rindu kat aku
- nak jumpa aku
- nak dgr suara aku
- nak borak-borak dgn aku
- nak tau apa kabar aku

sebab.. semua tu aku condition aku sekarang
dan aku tu dia.
so aku rasa sangat parah
aku harap dia dalam keadaan yang sama
aku harap dia nak jumpa aku
aku harap dia resah gelisah jugak
aku harap dapat tengok dia
aku harap dapat jumpa dia
aku harap dapat borak-borak dan gelak-gelak pada joke dia, pada joke aku
aku harap kalau tak jumpa dia, atau nampak dia, tengok facebook dia pun boleh
aku harap nampak kereta dia pun ok
aku harap chatting dgn dia pun ok
aku harap dia ajak aku keluar
aku harap dia ajak aku makan ke, minum ke, tengok wayang ke, shopping ke
apa-apa je...
aku tak suka perasaan ni

aku tak suka bila tak pasti dimana aku berdiri
aku tak suka bila tak tahu apa perasaan dia
aku tak suka bertepuk sebelah tangan
aku tak suka kena mulakan sesuatu yang aku tak tau dimana akan berakhir

boleh tak kalau dia mulakan
adakah dia takde perasaan yang sama dengan aku?
adakah aku memang ada perasaan sorang-sorang je
adakah? apakah?
aku tak suka.. tak suka macam nih.
kalau betul, jauhkanlah hati aku dari dia... aku ingin hidup yang tenang
dia memang telah mengucar-kacirkan hidup aku...

panas.panas.panas.

Sebenarnya bukan citer panas ke apa, cuma hati aku rasa panas.
Aku tak tau kenapa, tapi mcm aku tak dpt buat satu benda dgn betul pun. Semua benda salah, semua benda tak betul, semua tak siap, semua tak impressive.
Semua benda tak menyebelahi aku. Semua benda menyakitkan hati. Semua org buat aku rasa benci. Terasa mcm tiada kasih sayang untuk aku dalam dunia ini. Apa yg nak aku buat.
Apa.. apa.. aku harus jadi bagaimana.. harus jadi orang yang macamana.. apa yg terbaik dan apa pulak yang tertulis untuk aku?
Kadang-kadang aku cuma benci dunia.

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Tired...

Always doing the same stuff everyday...
I wish I could change the way I am right now…

bagaimana rasa ini....

kenapa ye?
aku tak tau kenapa...
feeling ni macamana ye?
apakah rasa ini ye?
aku tak tau apa rasa dia, aku dalam fikiran dia...
yang aku tau, mungkin aku suka dia.
hanya kerana aku rasa dia suka aku.
tapi, mungkin dia  tiada rasa pada aku
jadi aku yang salah selama ini.
jadi macamana??
beri la aku petunjuk.
beri aku klu,
beritahu aku bagaimana rasa ini
bagaimana untuk aku buang rasa ini.
bagaimana untuk aku hadapi lagi
i need some motivation
i need someone to be there for me,
or i might lost again....

world cup 2010 kick-off

it is fifa world cup 2010 kick-off game tonite. south africa vs mexico.

I watch the first 20minutes only and dozed off the remaining of the game.
A bit wasted for the excitement build up for so long. huhu...

but I just get the result now.
it's 1-1 for final score.

not bad for South Africa.


it's france game this morning at 2.30am
but they don't have it covered on national tv.
Aish. aish.
well, it's either read the live reporting or just wait for tomorrow's result la.

and tomorrow I'd like to do my fasting.
I hope I can withstand it as I need to go to office also.

well, signing off for this morning.
just feel like I haven't write for quite sometimes...

jam biologi

omg.
apa aku buat pukul 5.50 lom tido nih?
azan subuh dah masuk. sembahyang dulu baru tido?
then, pukul berapa nak pegi keje...? adoi la.

notakaki: aku lom jumpa resit, mcmana nak buat e-filing. instead aku wat benda2 yg tak berkaitain. owh~~