Resetting Life

I have been posting about running out of time for so many time this year.

This one post by Serina saying that we are stressed because we are rushing. God is not rushing.
Of course! what are you expecting?! I am rushing because I can die. It's not like I can live forever.

Sometimes I just don't understand how those people who are god-abiding people, really see life is.
What do you expect me to live as.

Just live and wait for my life to end?
Never want to achieve anything?
I don't understand how to feel satisfaction with the life like that.

People said it's by giving, by wishing you can life well in the afterlife. The permanent life.
Ok but how?
If I can't even help myself now, how do I help others? How do I do good?

People said, just let god take the steering and He knows what's best for me.
Like how?
Is not able to eat is the best life I can do?
Feeling unhappy, unsatisfied, and wish I can just die or reset every single day of my life?

I really don't know much thing.

I wish I know.

How to stop hating yourself

Have you ever hate yourself? Have your ever feel like you're useless, worthless and do not contribute to the world, to the point that nobody will miss you when you're gone. To the point that nobody even notice that you are gone...

I have. And it eats me inside out.

Now today isn't particularly a good day for me. You see, I can't go to work today. I can't wake up. So, I wanted to stay at home, don't want to go to work... in the end, I still go to work, but as usual I am late.

So today I am so depressed and I hate myself too much. I hate that I can't be on time. I hate that my life is upside down. I hate that I achieve nothing. I hate that I am the way that I am...

I actually just need to know that I am loved by some people in the world. Be it family member, friend or even stranger. It is something that can help me loving myself again.
I need to feel good about myself, and by that i actually need a help from someone outsider to confirm me that I am worth of loving.
At the moment, I don't have that. no one at all. Nothing. Nobody.
Why can't anybody at least say they love me. Even my mom...