just me ranting~

I feel sooo bad sometimes.

I feel so jealous looking at other people and find them having a good life. smooth life.
true, I dont know for sure how good their life is.
I don't know for sure what difficulties they are facing.
sometimes i just feel so give up with this life i'm leading.
I think I tried hard enuf. i've tried my best but still....
I don't know, is my life is just not blessed?

I alwiz say that I don't care, but lately I've been feeling it.
It is human nature right, to feel loved and cared for. especially a woman like me. (I'm a woman right. no longer a girl. but the sound of it just a little bit weird :P)
At times I just feel like saying this to him. (is it just him, why do I feel something for someone else currently.... it really makes me feel upset. :( )
I feel sad sometimes to go back to my hometown after my younger sister got married recently.
I feel how wonderful it is if I got my own kids. I wanna go home and see them grow up. Then grow old with them, with my loved one. I'm just not lucky enuf to find someone who would love me as much.... :( :( :(
and this feeling is too much lately...

*oh, this gonna be a bit long I think**

I go see my fren's facebook and all... and find mostly have their own business or hobby or something that they can be proud of.
and me? I have nothing. I can't even do my own set of teeth after the accident. do my lasik. buy my own house. or even own a better car. I can't even afford a nice vacation, a hobby or something... all I have is a big debt. which growing....... :( :(
even the fren which make me in such a big debt is having her big business now.
I don't know... don't I try hard enough? Or am I just not lucky? Or am I damned?.......

I was a smart girl in school. I was the best student. I win many competition.
I don't want to involve in love while studying. I am afraid that I will flop. my parents is expecting the best from me. I was afraid that I might do something which I will regret and sinful.
yet... I don't know why it turned out this way....
those kids which do not perform so well in school is doing much better than me now. have a happy family, and did not carry out the big sins. They are the one who flirt and have so much 'love' relationship during school, being socialize....

work have not been easy on me also.
Before this I was so jealous with my friend for having such nice job, with nice pay, with great satisfaction.
But I was thinking maybe I was not thankful enuf, so I learn to accept that.
My life is like that, my job is like that, so all I can do is make the best of it...
But still, after try so hard, and put so much on works, I still.....
I think I put too much on my job already. I work daily till very late. I work from home, I work even during weekend.
but still.... still seems not enuf. what shall I do... what shall I do...?

I just don't understand.
I just hope I can overcome this.
But how to reverse something you can't reverse? Undo things you have done?

If my life is to be a bad one, let me have a good afterlife....
please..........

:( :( ;(

~in teary mode~

..............................................

today is so .."speachless"...

aku dapat tau, inspection next week 16~18 aug kena pegi sendiri, naik airasia, turun SHENZHEN! pukul 8MLM!! argh! tertekan betul
tu flight yg sama yg kak ros tuh. tensen btl la.
aku dgr citer, safidah pun kena jugak, tp tak la sampai kena bukak baju, pegi hospital mcm kak ros...
lepas tu yg buat aku tertekan, client ni yg sgt hampeh. benci betul. susah betul nak bekerja sama... kalau aku taknak ppegi mcmana?? boleh tak? biar padan muka dia. benci dia!

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tghari td terpaksa kuar pegi amik gambar. nak buat visa. visa dah mati dan dah terlupa macamana nak buat.. isi borang semua.
tensen, lupa nak cari gmbr lama. terpaksa amik gambar baru. sebab nak pegi masalam, so aku decide pegi masalam je amik gambar. tgh marah, nasib baik muka masih cun. hehe.... :P

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sampai2 masalam masuk parking sekali ada lori blok jalan pulak! aku pun tak tau, ptt aku teruskan atau reverse balik. tapi takkan nak reverse sejauh2 tuh? tak logik kan? nak lalu mcm bahaya je lampu2 bawah pokok tuh. last2 aku igt gamble je la lalu. nasib baik boleh dan nasib baik selamat... tapi buang masa aku betul! then bila cari parking tah bukan main jauh kena pegi! kat hujung lak tuh. nasib baik masih blh msk walaupun susah. nak keluar parking bukan main jauh! tah apa-apa parking masalm nih.

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makan kat old town white coffee masalam. tak sedap! tak abis!

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paling geram aku hari ni dgn CDM (cash deposit machine) kat HSBC masalam. bengang betul la! kalau takleh duit baru knp yg lain2 masuk?
so, tak dpt aku bayar full payment sebab ke-bangangan CDM tuh! guard tu siap suh aku tukar duit. mesti la aku hangin. last2 aku blh je walaupun lom wat full payment utk semua bil.
*^&@%^$%$@#&(*#&^%%^ betul la CDM tuh! aku benci! dah lipat bujur melintang menegak, semua takleh! benci!

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aku betul2 rasa taknak g inspection tuh. benci dgn company tuh.
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mr U call aku. dia skt pun tak tny kabar aku. yg penting apa yg dia nak je dpt. yg penting, pasal dia je. aku kata dia tak tny pun skt pun walaupun aku ckp sgt upset. then dia pura2 la tny dgn suara mengada2 dia. mesti la aku tak nak jawab! then dia kata dia sgt letih hr nih. aku mls nak tny. dia kata aku tak tny pun, aku ckp la sbb dia tak tny aku pun. dia kata ldy biasanya lebih care. tettttt!!!! wrong answer. lagi la aku benci. bukan ke dlm sesuatu hubungan, mesti ada give and take. mesti care for each other. share each other's pain. aku benci betul bila guys start to be selfish. but they are always like that. i just hope they do care for people that they care...

ini entry bengang

aku dah rasa macam buat tesis lak pagi pagi buta still tak tido lagi.
dulu masa buat tesis pun takde macam nih. ni yang buat aku rasa nak sambung belajar nih.

usaha keras aku nih, sampai pagi-pagi buta bukan ada orang tau ye tak?
boss langsung la jangan harap. tapi aku memang bengang betul la ada ke patut aku rasa dia macam nak cari salah aku je.

BANGANG!!

ada ke, tak pasal-pasal, tak patut dia suka-suka add apa2 tah hapa2 kat aku punya recommendation.
memang bangang!!
kalau 'akak' tu punya langsung la dia tak peduli. padahal orang tu selalu je banyak salah pun!!
aku sangat-sangat geram nih.
apahal dia nak tambah-tambah kat marking nih?? sebelum ni mana ada??? weh, geram betul la. diorang2 ni yg lain tak pandai baca ke apa?
tengok sendiri la. kalau orang kata dah ada tu dah ada la.
BODOH!!

saja nak buat aku sakit hati. kalau usaha aku yg lebih2 ni dihargai takpe la jugak.
ni keje macam nak pensgsan orang tak nampak pun.

aku betul betul betul betul sakit hati.

p/s: aku tak tau nak letak tajuk apa. suka-suka letak tajuk je

upset :|

I'm very upset due to this particular reason.
I've been delaying the work until I cannot delay it anymore.

Nak cepat-cepat, tapi menyusahkan org.
Org ajar degil pulak tak nak dengar.
Suruh wat list bagi senang pun tak paham.

Geram.

lain kali kalau nak menyusahkan orang tu tolong paham sikit ye.
lain kali tu kalau orang ajar tu sila la jgn degil sangat, sila la jgn sombong sangat.

being older doesn't mean you are automatically wiser. maybe you are expert in one area but in other you no nothing.

ah~ anyhow I still have to continue the work.
This is 2.42am in the morning and I need to be early tomorrow. sigh~~

Ya Allah give me some strength.