May 2024

I am in a cafe but I am starving. This cafe used to be better. no so bad. i guess there's not so many people. but how come you are a coffee shop but u don't have any food???

ok i am at Celcius Coffee. It used to be nice here. It's close to Zus i guess that's why tak ramai here. but the environment and vibe here is better. the problem is they do not have food other than cakes. I saw the menu, and i even had some before. the corner of this coffee shop is not cemented. they put some small stones 

There's a lot of people doing work here though. I think this is a good place to lepak but i just have to make sure I'm already full before I can lepak here. 

ok made some appointment today so I have to leave sebab lapar.

I need to think of what story I am gonna write, and what essay I want t write about. I used to be able to concern about more stuff but these days I have no energy to do that. The Maslow's hierarchy, I am not able to fulfill the base line yet.

hopefully everything will be okay. nak cari makan.

Twitter rant Dec 2023

 

Arianna 

@_Ari4nn4_

·Dec 1, 2023 Yeah, I reactivate because I'm horny

Arianna

@_Ari4nn4_

·

Dec 1, 2023

That was my canon event what do u mean that's my most played song of the year

Quote

𝒴

@ysmammri

·

Nov 29, 2023

ion like spotify wrapped bc i’ll have one manic episode in feb where i listened to a song 200 times n that b my so called fave song of the yr

1

531

whatsapp and instagram down and I dont have anybody to turn to

It's a history that I am writing here again.

I just hate it very very very much. 

Stupid Fizul.

Why am I feeling like this?

Then there's Hafeez who suddenly won't talk to me. Tengah penuh air & very tired dia kata. How dare you.

Then there's Reza, yang keep pestering me and keep calling me to go out with him. I will feel really guilty if I go and ask him out tomorrow just because I'm angry with Fizul. Stupid Fizul.

Then there's Izwan. the married man that sometimes there and sometimes gone. Aku cakap dgn dia nak ikut pegi Copenhagen. He knows I'm joking. I hope he's joking too, since his wife probably not coming too. 

I need to do my report but I can't do it if I didn't clear my head of Fizul.

How dare him message me at 12.19 and pretend that everything is okay and just because I'm angry because of my period. I blocked him.

Why am I feeling like this for a guy I've never meet. Somebody I never even want to have anything to do with too. Somebody I even lie to.

Help me Allah. I don't want to feel this and I don't want to be trapped like this. Unfortunately the whatsapp and instagram (and facebook but I dont use that) are down. I cant talk to anybody. I even message my friend on tiktok.

I am trying to do work but I need to clear my head of him, that's why I can't. I don't know what he want, I don't know what I want or why am I so angry with him, probably I've never been ignored this hard. So I went to bed with my head still full of him and my back ache, my legs are tired and you know, the symptom of period pain. I blocked him and he don't even know. That really pisses me off big time. I want him to know THAT I IGNORE HIM!!! I guess it is ego for me. That is why I need to wait that he wakes up, go to work, and at 11 think about me and find out that I WAS PISSED AND BLOCKED HIM. 12 HOURS. The torture!

Anyway, hopefully I can finish my report so I can take leave tomorrow.

P/S: I wake up at 5.30 and can't go back to sleep. I wake up at 5.30 to edit this. Still angry.

5-Oct-2021

Sometimes I feel like I just want to die

 I hope this blog will not emerge when I'm about to get my nobel prize one day. or when I decide that I shall be the Prime Minister or President or something.

I can't be more depressed that I already am, can I?

Remember when I was at the lowest point in my life? This ain't so much different either. I feel so hopeless, things like moving nowhere. I'm going nowhere. Sometimes I just want some human touch. I need to talk to people. At least some people who want to talk to me.

My family ignore me. Friend? Do I have any?

Sometimes I feel really lonely.

Sometimes I just want to meet new people sometimes I'm just too afraid.

Sometimes it's too painful.

Sometimes I crave human interaction. I need to feel needed. I want to be wanted. I want to be included.

People are mean.

I hate people.

26-Nov-2020.

p/s: I just confirm today that I didn't pay for my road tax since 18-Sept-2020.

Quick update - 5/5/2020

Well, it's has been a while since I post anything here. It's not like I don't have anything to write but I just found that I have many other channel to express it.

I kinda quit Facebook few years back because it gave me depression. Have Twitter, in fact I have two. Heck, no three actually. One which I created just to express my feeling and rant. I was in a very bad place back then. I still do, but I manage a little bit now.
I have one which I sign up at 2009, around the time I had my Facebook and blog. I still use it though but people know who I am there so I (accidentally) created another one using my official email where I sign using unknown name (to people who know me). I use this one more these days because anonymity, and I follow a lot of people who think they're smart and underestimate others. In other word, I follow a lot of Malaysian's tweetfamous and news channel.

A lot has been happening recently. The coronavirus, the change of government, langkah Sheraton and all, the drama of new Prime Minister, the lockdown or in our terms MCO (Movement Control Order). There's work from home, fasting alone (yeah that's not new), alone for Hari Raya (kinda sad, even though I don't really know if I really want to celebrate raya). Yeah all those sort of thing.

I found myself less sad these days when I don't go to work, but I find my motivation lacking.
I bought a lot of things during these MCO period but mostly just food. I plan to read more but I get distracted by Netflix.

The lack of motivation is real though. I even feel the lack of motivation in meeting new people. I keep trying to reach some friend but most of them totally abandoned me. Yeah, it hurts but the hell with them.

I am now writing at 2.22am on 5/5/2020. Wow, it's such a great time to write and to end. A lot of the thing I wrote above can be written later. ciao.