Proposal

I am thinking of a movie plot of what happen to me today.

I work in uniform these days. Except for Saturday, I normally just wear anything I like. So, today I wear skirt just because I want to go out later. I even think of meeting Ivan just because... I am supposed to go for a New York Skin Solution trial. So I just want to feel pretty some times. Even have my heels..

So, today happen to be the day I dare to wear something so pretty and I already see all the foreign worker get a bit excited. Lol. Who tell you to be so pretty in a place where no lady work. Today also I chat with Ivan after I send that photo in a dress. I send him a Hypnose perfume photo, and he tell me the smell is dangerous. Like Seductive. I dont tell him that's why I love it.

Anyway, Mas today trying to be funny, give tissue flower to the bangla guy who I know might like me and said that I give him that. Then call another time, and tell him I give this one too. You can see his excitement, he even make that yes! gesture. I feel so bad. It's embarrassing, and awkward... So, I went to toilet to wash my mug today, when I come out, I heard somebody calling me. I expect that, but I don't know how to react when the guy come in front of me, kneel down and present me a purple flowers, and said "Mam, I love you". Now, I probably shouldn't take his flower but I don't know how to react in that situation. Now I am in a bit awkward situation.

I have been telling Ivan all the story from my office. Even about the older guy, the creepy one. Now with this guy which I don't remember the name of. I am thinking of how to get out of this situation, and Mas suggest that I just tell them that I had a boyfriend. I even tell Mas I am going for a date later. Now I am thinking of where to find a boyfriend. An express one. Then it hit me, it can be Ivan, because he has been hitting on me for sometimes now. He told me he has affection for me, maybe lust, but never said he likes me. Anyway, last night he said I am seducing him. To be frank, I probably is. A little bit. Today, when I told him my Hypnose is finishing, he said it is good so that I don't have that when we meet. I told him I can use a different one, and save it for later, but he said I don't have to try so hard to seduce him. Just tell him and he'll be gladly make it happen.

Now it is a perfect storyline for a rom-com there. I can ask him to pretend to be my boyfreind to chase away creep from office, but in the end we fall in love. LOL. 

Normal but it can be done. If only he looks like the guy he used as profile photo in OKC, it will be perfect.

Well, who said you cannot be the main actor for your own life movie..

I wish you are a bot

I wish you're a bot or something instead of real person..

I almost send this to a person this morning.
To be frank, I'd rather talk to a bot than a person.

24-8-18

How to stop hating yourself

Have you ever hate yourself? Have your ever feel like you're useless, worthless and do not contribute to the world, to the point that nobody will miss you when you're gone. To the point that nobody even notice that you are gone...

I have. And it eats me inside out.

Now today isn't particularly a good day for me. You see, I can't go to work today. I can't wake up. So, I wanted to stay at home, don't want to go to work... in the end, I still go to work, but as usual I am late.

So today I am so depressed and I hate myself too much. I hate that I can't be on time. I hate that my life is upside down. I hate that I achieve nothing. I hate that I am the way that I am...

I actually just need to know that I am loved by some people in the world. Be it family member, friend or even stranger. It is something that can help me loving myself again.
I need to feel good about myself, and by that i actually need a help from someone outsider to confirm me that I am worth of loving.
At the moment, I don't have that. no one at all. Nothing. Nobody.
Why can't anybody at least say they love me. Even my mom...

Bach and other people

I wish I am more committed in my plan for writing. I have been browsing my draft and the one I have last written was in May after the election and I still have not publish it. There's also no new draft after that. I wonder what happen to my will.

So, I was sick again yesterday. In fact, still am today. Anyway I have to come to work, on Saturday and not feeling well too. Well, at least it is for half day and I will bear with it. So I take my medicine, open internet and put on classical music to concentrate, but that is where it start to make me upset.

I wonder why some people doesn't appreciate classic. Classic help me to calm myself down, help me to be relax and focus on my reading or writing. The sound of violin, the sound of piano is my favourite. Then there's cello, organ, and so much more that you can appreciate.

I get it that you can't get my music taste, but to force me your music taste is as bad though. Force me to listen to that annoying lyrics, the degrading lyrics, the jumping sound and all.. The pop song that make you wanna dance for a while but will be forgotten in few weeks. It is okay that you can't listen to my music, but to tune it down for your untasteful music... I am sorry, I am pissed.

Listen... listen to that music, how it plays with your heartbeats, your brain signal, your nerve... But I can't force people to like a good, tasteful music... it's like you're telling people that if you don't listen to this you have no good taste in music, which is kinda true in my mind now. So, I'll let people listen to whatever they want as long as they don't force me to it too. And I will put on my earphone and mind my own business. 

Currently listening to Johann Sebastian Bach and I just notice how his family was named Johann *** Bach. What a weird way to be in this family. How much they want to maintain the family tradition. Must be stressful way to be raised in this high achieving musical family. How stressful if you're not gifted musically.

Anyway, Bach really made good music and definitely deserved to be called one of the greatest music composer of all time.

I rest my case.

Note: going to learn about music more after this.