I wish you are a bot

I wish you're a bot or something instead of real person..

I almost send this to a person this morning.
To be frank, I'd rather talk to a bot than a person.

24-8-18

How to stop hating yourself

Have you ever hate yourself? Have your ever feel like you're useless, worthless and do not contribute to the world, to the point that nobody will miss you when you're gone. To the point that nobody even notice that you are gone...

I have. And it eats me inside out.

Now today isn't particularly a good day for me. You see, I can't go to work today. I can't wake up. So, I wanted to stay at home, don't want to go to work... in the end, I still go to work, but as usual I am late.

So today I am so depressed and I hate myself too much. I hate that I can't be on time. I hate that my life is upside down. I hate that I achieve nothing. I hate that I am the way that I am...

I actually just need to know that I am loved by some people in the world. Be it family member, friend or even stranger. It is something that can help me loving myself again.
I need to feel good about myself, and by that i actually need a help from someone outsider to confirm me that I am worth of loving.
At the moment, I don't have that. no one at all. Nothing. Nobody.
Why can't anybody at least say they love me. Even my mom...

Bach and other people

I wish I am more committed in my plan for writing. I have been browsing my draft and the one I have last written was in May after the election and I still have not publish it. There's also no new draft after that. I wonder what happen to my will.

So, I was sick again yesterday. In fact, still am today. Anyway I have to come to work, on Saturday and not feeling well too. Well, at least it is for half day and I will bear with it. So I take my medicine, open internet and put on classical music to concentrate, but that is where it start to make me upset.

I wonder why some people doesn't appreciate classic. Classic help me to calm myself down, help me to be relax and focus on my reading or writing. The sound of violin, the sound of piano is my favourite. Then there's cello, organ, and so much more that you can appreciate.

I get it that you can't get my music taste, but to force me your music taste is as bad though. Force me to listen to that annoying lyrics, the degrading lyrics, the jumping sound and all.. The pop song that make you wanna dance for a while but will be forgotten in few weeks. It is okay that you can't listen to my music, but to tune it down for your untasteful music... I am sorry, I am pissed.

Listen... listen to that music, how it plays with your heartbeats, your brain signal, your nerve... But I can't force people to like a good, tasteful music... it's like you're telling people that if you don't listen to this you have no good taste in music, which is kinda true in my mind now. So, I'll let people listen to whatever they want as long as they don't force me to it too. And I will put on my earphone and mind my own business. 

Currently listening to Johann Sebastian Bach and I just notice how his family was named Johann *** Bach. What a weird way to be in this family. How much they want to maintain the family tradition. Must be stressful way to be raised in this high achieving musical family. How stressful if you're not gifted musically.

Anyway, Bach really made good music and definitely deserved to be called one of the greatest music composer of all time.

I rest my case.

Note: going to learn about music more after this.

Ex Machina - A review

I just happen to watch Ex-Machina today, and I can’t get it out of my mind. As I can’t have proper discussion, and I don’t really have anybody to talk to, I figure I shall write about it.

The movie is about a programmer Caleb who win a contest to spend one week at the CEO’s estate / research facility. Once there he found out that he has to participate as the human component in a Turing test with Ava an advance AI created by Nathan. What they don’t expect is how advance is Ava’s consciousness that she can manipulate and able to escape the facility and leave both Nathan and Caleb to die.

What spark my interest is how the human react to the AI, the naïve and nice Caleb Smith, lonely and vulnerable. There’s also, Nathan Bateman the genius billionaire, probably a psychopath, who has no empathy, no feeling whatsoever. It reminds me of me sometimes and how I see others. Then there’s the Google-like company (Bluebox) that read and exploit every single thing we trust.

Some brilliant plot they have. They are not new plot. It has been retold several time but how the story told and unfold is interesting. I know that there’s some plot-hole, like how can a one man genius able to create such an advanced AI without help from anybody else. As many in online forum point out, the state of AI now is not better and we still unable to create such an advanced AI is not due to we lack of of evil one man genius like Nathan, but because of the limitation of technology and resources. Like, for example the neural system. How do we create such an advance neural system of human-like AI, with brain that function without pre-programmed. As they point out, will we able to create such a complex neural system like brain, without hard programming into the system first.

There’s also the issue on the security. For me, if Nathan is that genius, he’ll check about the power shutdown and not relying on just what he’s been saying. There’s also issue on the security. If he’s that smart or unless he’s planning to die upfront, he’ll have better planning for the security.

I also don’t buy that Caleb is that naïve and able to ….

What really interests me is the drawing by Johnson.

“I am become death, the destroyer of the world” is what Caleb said to Nathan during the scene when both of them are sitting outside discussing on the possibility of AI dominate the world after humans are gone. This is what Oppenheimer said when he was detonating the atomic bomb.   A little while later when Nathan is passing out on vodka, he recites a poem –

“ In battle, in forest, at the precipice in the mountains,

On the dark great sea, in the midst of javelins and arrows,

In sleep, in confusion, in the depths of shame,

The good deeds a man has done before defend him”

And then.. “it’s Promethean, man.

“Embodiment and the inner life : Cognition and Consciousness in the Space of Possible Minds” Murray Shanahan.

26.01.2018

Maybe I've been cursed

I have been facing a lot of difficulties lately, especially in the last couple of years. What baffles me is how things can come one after another, continuously. It's like I've been cursed or something.

I'll just talk about the things that happen since last Sunday. At first, I left my debit card, student card and touch and go card with my Sony Walkman original red color inside my Mongolian pouch on top of autopay machine at Menara Getah Asli KL. Thus, I have to drive to klcc twice to retrieve that.

Let's talk about what happen today.
(Oh no.. Why la this uber playing cinta pantai merdeka.. now he's singing along and I feel like too).

So we went to pay my car full settlement at affin bank. We can't withdraw the money from affin because there's a limit for asb withdrawal. So, we need to go to rhb. I am now trying very much to stay true to any rules and regulations because I found that I am in very bad luck whenever I break any rules. For example that my car being clamped just because I park at other place. So, what happen is I normally use the seat belt. Anyway this time I don't, because Affin and RHB located so close to each other. Just when I turn to the corner at wetex parade, there stood 3 policemen and asking me to stop. Yes, I got a ticket for that..

Right after I pay the settlement, we reversed the car and guess what, the gear box having problems again. I feel they are too loose and can't engage the next gear. Damn. 

The gear stuck to R and I can't reset that. I am blocking the parking and everybody come looking. I can't restart because "R". I then decide that I need to call NSS and tow my car to Shah Alam. 

When does all this things happen to me one after another? I seldom want to believe about invisible things, but I don't know what to believe anymore now.

I write..

I start writing blog because I wanted to practice my writing. I don't have formal learning about writing other than from school. I  did not have formal literature schooling other than high school. I don't even think that I can be a very good writer. Knowledgeable, witty and engaging.

I really wonder if I can be a good writer. I always prefer male writer when reading blogs, or books, or article. This make me wonder if I can a different writer than those writer I don't like. For me most of female writers like to put too much unnecessary details. A lot of female writer choose topics which don't interest me too. Too much love story. Too many details. Too much of happily ever after. I just hope that I don't end up doing the same mistake that I hate.

Another reason that I find might effect my writing, is that I am such a private person. I value privacy too much, or probably I just have low self-esteem.

I do hope I can be more committed in writing. I do feel like I shall write more important stuff. I also think that keeping journal is a very good way to express yourself. I still won't write about lifestyle or what to wear or anything like most of the female writer, I just hope that I can write more imformative stuff. I also hope that I can leave something useful to anybody who happen to read. That, is my life aim.

11.1.2018 - Shah Alam

.....life is

I really need to do something with my life.

I don't know what happen to me. I sit here now, at Burger King buying lunch/dinner and reading gossip. What a waste. 

I want to write, but it's easier to write to someone instead of writing to myself. I can write to myself before, but not now.

Well, there's something here about my feeling that I need to write about. There's also about somebody else. I shall change her name.

************
So, I've got time to review and put this post out there. I've decided that I shall take out the story of my friend and write out her story instead.

This girl I know after I join a diving trip. She's around five years younger than I am, but she's already married and a divorcee when I first met her. I did't know that then. Anyway, we gotten close because she's very easy going and friendly, and I am in need of friend.

Our closeness have surpassed the relationship I had with my other friend. We can finish each other sentence and we can read each other's mind and this really make my other friends jealous. So, when she decided that she's going to quit her job and further study, I feel sad but I give her my full support. I know that's what she want to do and that's what I want to. Litle that I know that I'm going to lost her.

After she went back to her hometown, she met with her old flame. He's a big shot, and their relatioship was not approved by his family members. Anyway, as jodoh is written not by us, they get married and I thought they live happily ever after. I also didn't try to contact her so much because i just don't want to meddle in other's marriage.

This all until I had my depression and contact her again. Then I get to know how her in-laws treated her. Just because she's not a big shot, just because she don't wear glamourously, she's almost treated like nobody. Almost like a maid. They also don't trust her. It's like she put something that her husband come back just looking for her. He don't want to get married when he knew that she's married to somebody else then.

Listening to her, I do feel like I can still cope with my life. Mine isn't so bad.. I think..
I also found that money don't make people classier or smarter. But, life is like that. We can't make life happen just the way we want. There's a bigger picture. There's a deeper meaning. There's more important meaning to life other than what we see...

*********

Ok, let me just summarize what happens today. I have a swollen face. Sakit gigi. Bad. really really bad. Had been 3 days. It's the bad tooth from a few months ago. It comes back. worse.

So I've been trying to not going to the clinic. Because it'll be too expensive for me. I'm broke. I'm totally broke. Totally broke.

So, I've decided to go to a clinic for 3 days in a row now. I wanted to go to gov clinic, because cheaper. So, I just can't bring myself out in the morning. DAMN!! So, I finally get myself out today, Wednesday, to KJ Dental clinic. Well, I try to find any in Shah Alam, but I just can't. Then I figure that I'll go to KJ, so I reach the clinic at around 4.30pm (yes I'm late). Then I saw the opening time, that today is free without any appointment, but but but... when I see the girl at the register counter, she said that today is only for kids. Below 17yo. I said I am a student too, but no.. only for below 17. 😤😔😢😢😢😢

So, I decided that I will just go back and come back tomorrow at 7.30am If I can wake up. 

I can't thnik of anything right now, the mosquito in Burger King is feasting on me! 

Just, hopefully I can recover. And I can figure out what to do tomorrow.

Tomorrow is another day. 

Don't give up yet.