Maybe I've been cursed

I have been facing a lot of difficulties lately, especially in the last couple of years. What baffles me is how things can come one after another, continuously. It's like I've been cursed or something.

I'll just talk about the things that happen since last Sunday. At first, I left my debit card, student card and touch and go card with my Sony Walkman original red color inside my Mongolian pouch on top of autopay machine at Menara Getah Asli KL. Thus, I have to drive to klcc twice to retrieve that.

Let's talk about what happen today.
(Oh no.. Why la this uber playing cinta pantai merdeka.. now he's singing along and I feel like too).

So we went to pay my car full settlement at affin bank. We can't withdraw the money from affin because there's a limit for asb withdrawal. So, we need to go to rhb. I am now trying very much to stay true to any rules and regulations because I found that I am in very bad luck whenever I break any rules. For example that my car being clamped just because I park at other place. So, what happen is I normally use the seat belt. Anyway this time I don't, because Affin and RHB located so close to each other. Just when I turn to the corner at wetex parade, there stood 3 policemen and asking me to stop. Yes, I got a ticket for that..

Right after I pay the settlement, we reversed the car and guess what, the gear box having problems again. I feel they are too loose and can't engage the next gear. Damn. 

The gear stuck to R and I can't reset that. I am blocking the parking and everybody come looking. I can't restart because "R". I then decide that I need to call NSS and tow my car to Shah Alam. 

When does all this things happen to me one after another? I seldom want to believe about invisible things, but I don't know what to believe anymore now.

I write..

I start writing blog because I wanted to practice my writing. I don't have formal learning about writing other than from school. I  did not have formal literature schooling other than high school. I don't even think that I can be a very good writer. Knowledgeable, witty and engaging.

I really wonder if I can be a good writer. I always prefer male writer when reading blogs, or books, or article. This make me wonder if I can a different writer than those writer I don't like. For me most of female writers like to put too much unnecessary details. A lot of female writer choose topics which don't interest me too. Too much love story. Too many details. Too much of happily ever after. I just hope that I don't end up doing the same mistake that I hate.

Another reason that I find might effect my writing, is that I am such a private person. I value privacy too much, or probably I just have low self-esteem.

I do hope I can be more committed in writing. I do feel like I shall write more important stuff. I also think that keeping journal is a very good way to express yourself. I still won't write about lifestyle or what to wear or anything like most of the female writer, I just hope that I can write more imformative stuff. I also hope that I can leave something useful to anybody who happen to read. That, is my life aim.

11.1.2018 - Shah Alam

.....life is

I really need to do something with my life.

I don't know what happen to me. I sit here now, at Burger King buying lunch/dinner and reading gossip. What a waste. 

I want to write, but it's easier to write to someone instead of writing to myself. I can write to myself before, but not now.

Well, there's something here about my feeling that I need to write about. There's also about somebody else. I shall change her name.

************
So, I've got time to review and put this post out there. I've decided that I shall take out the story of my friend and write out her story instead.

This girl I know after I join a diving trip. She's around five years younger than I am, but she's already married and a divorcee when I first met her. I did't know that then. Anyway, we gotten close because she's very easy going and friendly, and I am in need of friend.

Our closeness have surpassed the relationship I had with my other friend. We can finish each other sentence and we can read each other's mind and this really make my other friends jealous. So, when she decided that she's going to quit her job and further study, I feel sad but I give her my full support. I know that's what she want to do and that's what I want to. Litle that I know that I'm going to lost her.

After she went back to her hometown, she met with her old flame. He's a big shot, and their relatioship was not approved by his family members. Anyway, as jodoh is written not by us, they get married and I thought they live happily ever after. I also didn't try to contact her so much because i just don't want to meddle in other's marriage.

This all until I had my depression and contact her again. Then I get to know how her in-laws treated her. Just because she's not a big shot, just because she don't wear glamourously, she's almost treated like nobody. Almost like a maid. They also don't trust her. It's like she put something that her husband come back just looking for her. He don't want to get married when he knew that she's married to somebody else then.

Listening to her, I do feel like I can still cope with my life. Mine isn't so bad.. I think..
I also found that money don't make people classier or smarter. But, life is like that. We can't make life happen just the way we want. There's a bigger picture. There's a deeper meaning. There's more important meaning to life other than what we see...

*********

Ok, let me just summarize what happens today. I have a swollen face. Sakit gigi. Bad. really really bad. Had been 3 days. It's the bad tooth from a few months ago. It comes back. worse.

So I've been trying to not going to the clinic. Because it'll be too expensive for me. I'm broke. I'm totally broke. Totally broke.

So, I've decided to go to a clinic for 3 days in a row now. I wanted to go to gov clinic, because cheaper. So, I just can't bring myself out in the morning. DAMN!! So, I finally get myself out today, Wednesday, to KJ Dental clinic. Well, I try to find any in Shah Alam, but I just can't. Then I figure that I'll go to KJ, so I reach the clinic at around 4.30pm (yes I'm late). Then I saw the opening time, that today is free without any appointment, but but but... when I see the girl at the register counter, she said that today is only for kids. Below 17yo. I said I am a student too, but no.. only for below 17. 😤😔😢😢😢😢

So, I decided that I will just go back and come back tomorrow at 7.30am If I can wake up. 

I can't thnik of anything right now, the mosquito in Burger King is feasting on me! 

Just, hopefully I can recover. And I can figure out what to do tomorrow.

Tomorrow is another day. 

Don't give up yet.

My obsession with height

When I was young a kid, my wish is to be tall. I wish that I am at least taller than what I was in primary school.

There's many reason for this. My elder sister is a lot taller than me while we're just 2 years apart, I feel really weak and defenseless when I just stood at 130++ when all the other girls already reach maturity. I was bullied (not by this but other reason) and I have no chance to stand in the second place when we were lining up. I feel like taller kids are more confident, have a lot of advantage, more athletic, prettier,  and get more attention. I do feel very inferior in my size, and very timid, lack of confidence, and a lot more I feel like inferior quality. I can't even do sport. I come almost last in running, I'm not qualified for netball and other sport, and I can't even high jump. Trust me that all that athletics girls do get a lot of attention. They are like the "it" kids and I'm just a nerd.

I somehow believe that swinging from tall tree branches will help me with my height. No... no yana no.. How can I be so naive in believing that! Don't blame me, I'm just like 10 years old girl trying to get tall, and given tips by my father! I got my limbs hands longer though (and I beleive this is one of the reason why. I should hang / swing using my leg shoudn't I?). The other problem is, I don't like to drink milk since I was a todler. Trust me, you won't like the Dumex milk too. And what's with the sweetened milk. I really thought I hate milk, until I went to my second secondary school when I met with all this rich and privilleged kids, and trying all the nice food.

I do get taller when I was in secondary school though. Puberty I guess. But still not tall enough for me. I get taller than most of my primary school's friend. Unfortunately, there's no lining during secondary school so I still don't get the chance to stand in the middle of line. Too bad.

There's only few people who's really tall at that time so, I was quite satisfied with my height at that time. Until I went to a boarding school. The kids here mostly coming from a well-doing family, richer, from big city, and some places I have never heard before. So, a lot of them are taller, but I am considered average (almost at the shorter side).

All is well until I get to uni, and start working. Then I mix around with a lot of taller people, with the average height of 165cm. I am 158cm (and I always try to make it 159cm. There's just that very little different with my original target of 160cm!) Oh, I wanted to become a stewardess before so that's why, and 160cm is the minimum requirement for stewardess. I found out later, that some of the stewardess is only 158cm so I passed! (I don't even want to be a stewardess later when I found out that other than being beautiful and serve food to passenger, there's not mush requirement to be stewardess so it just won't suit me). While working, I also got a chance to go to Europe and China, and many places in Asia mostly. What I secretly did was measuring my height next to them. I found that I don't differ too much in height compare to them. It's nothing much and nothing important, but it just give me some extra confidence which I don't have when I was a kid. I also found out that the average height for women around the world is not that far from mine. For example, the average height for women in US is 5'4" (163cm), and Malaysian is 154cm so I'm not so bad. Even in Indonesia, their average height is 147cm (4'10"").

Anyway, one of my friend asked me this once.
Have I ever look at other girl / woman and think who's fatter? She or me?
I told her no, I've never ask about this. I don't care about weight (maybe cause I'm blessed with high metabolism). What I don't tell her (or maybe I didn't notice at that time is how I'm obsessed with height. Instead of asking about weight, I'll ask about height.

Fast forward to today, here I am still obsessing about the celebrity height, and imagining how will I look next too them. Some very successful people, I'll try too google their height just to imagine how will I look standing next to them, without heels and all. I almost want to make a database just to record all their height so I can compare. I still think all the tall people are beautiful and gorgeous (men and women) and I still wish I can still get taller. I still have that secret wish to get a database for the celebrity height.

I still feel like being tall is a bonus, like being beautiful is (big bonus). Anyway, it is not a main factor for you to become successful. It can get lonely up there too, no? ;) For example, Vivy the co-founder of FV. She's really small but she's really confident in bringing herself (must be her upbringing too). Then there's also a lot of Malaysian's celebrities that are so small (petite!) but they are still so pretty. It won't define you, but it still help to boast your confidence. For all the vertically challenged people, don't worry. You can still be beautiful and be confident and be successful. If you're lack in something, most probably you're compensated in other field too.

To other people like me, it's okay to be obsessed with height. If you realy feel the need to stand tall, get that 7" heels for daily use. Ciao.

-Y-

I can't focus so I draw..

I'm working at cafe in Pusanika, instead of a library.
I really hope that they don't give me ticket for parking at staff area. I can't pay any saman anymore.

I really wish somebody is just thinking about me at the moment, and send me some message. There's none.
I really don't have people who love me isn't it? I'm pathetic.

I can't concentrate on my project and I'm trying hard to read. Everything seems so boring so I decide to draw. Not very good, and I don't even have anybody in mind so it's just...

I hope I can really be happy again. If only I can take some medicine and be happy again.

When you don't know where you are and you can't get out..

The title just describe what I feel right now. If anybody ask me what happen to me, what am I doing, why am I being like this... I'll be frank. I don't know. I Do Not Know. I can't tell something that I can't describe. I just lost everything I was.

Where am I?

Where am I heading?

Why am I like this?

I had a very big plan in front of me, I had the future in my vision, I had my ambition, I had friends which I appreciate.. now I don't have any of that. 

Because I lost hope.

I lost something in my mind, which I can't figure out.

Sometimes I want to cry, but I can't.

I lost my will to eat.

I lost my will to fight.

I lost my aim.

I lost my goal.

I lost a lot.

I don't care about friend.

I don't care about the world.

I can't get up.

I can't focus.

I can't do anything! Nothing.

Why am I like this?

How do I get up and feel alive again?

I can't live like this. I can't even find the will to live....

I disappoint my parents.

That make me cry every time.

I forgot

I forgot how to feel. I forgot how is it to miss someone.
I do miss my friend. I miss my youth.
I forgot what does it feel to have your heart flutter. The guy who did that to me before is a cheater. I don't miss him. Not anymore. I hate him in fact. Too much.
He makes me hate. He makes my heart harden, even further.

He makes me forget that I, too, have feeling.