Protagonist

What kind of life is this, where the main lead is leading such a mundane life?

What a boring life. Nothing worth telling. No up and down and no plot twist. It is a very monotonous daily life.

What I know is, if I send this story out in the world, it can never reach that top shelf. Nobody would want to read such a boring story. Even a telling about it is boring. There is no plot. The character is boring. No conflicts to write of about. No plot twist. No emotional climax. To be honest, it's like Truman show but he never find out about the filming and all the actors. I can imagine that there's nobody watching.

Anyway, I do feel like my life is such an annoying story.
Sometimes I just want to end it. and reset.

Resetting Life

I have been posting about running out of time for so many time this year.

This one post by Serina saying that we are stressed because we are rushing. God is not rushing.
Of course! what are you expecting?! I am rushing because I can die. It's not like I can live forever.

Sometimes I just don't understand how those people who are god-abiding people, really see life is.
What do you expect me to live as.

Just live and wait for my life to end?
Never want to achieve anything?
I don't understand how to feel satisfaction with the life like that.

People said it's by giving, by wishing you can life well in the afterlife. The permanent life.
Ok but how?
If I can't even help myself now, how do I help others? How do I do good?

People said, just let god take the steering and He knows what's best for me.
Like how?
Is not able to eat is the best life I can do?
Feeling unhappy, unsatisfied, and wish I can just die or reset every single day of my life?

I really don't know much thing.

I wish I know.

I wish I can just run and disappear

I really hate it here.

With my heart. With every cell in my being.

So I wish, i wish to just run and disappear.

Just disappear.

Just.

Disappear.

Puff!

20-Dec-2018
Klang.

what is life

I'm sorry that all my latest post is about how depressing life is, because life is depressing. At least mine is.

Have you ever wake up and look at your life, and see how you didn't live to your full potential and feel extremely upset. As I grew older, i find it so true. I look back to my life and see how lonely it has become and in the end whatever i fight for is never worth it. Because, face it, it never materialized and in the end you are just this sad old woman, angry and upset all the time. Angry with the world for not happening according to your plan, and you can't do anything about it.

I wanted so much to change the life I live to be glorious, full of good things, helping people, be extraordinary. I challenged the stigma that you need to know somebody to be somebody. I try to do it on my own. Never ask anything from anyone. Never ask for help or anything.

.....but in the end, I'm still alone, still unsuccessful, still doing nothing, going nowhere, still need help from everybody around me.

I feel so useless.
I feel so worthless.

I wonder if life should just end.
Now.

What is apocalypse just happen now. So I don't have to think about life anymore.

end.
15-dec-18

The person you hate the most, yourself

People don't understand why am I upset all the time.
People don't understand when I complaint and all... they said that I complaint too much. I think too highly of myself. I look down on people. I am judgmental.

What they don't know is, I am most critical to myself.
I am always upset with myself more than others.
I am most critical to me.
I can't forgive me.
I hate myself.

I hate myself.

That's the truth.
More than anyone else,
more than everything else.

So, when I can't do what I want to do,
when I can't achieve what I plan to achieve,
I hate myself most.

Of course people will see that I criticize, that I complaint...
but the truth is, I am trying to approve myself.
I tried day and night
Everyday.
Everytime.
Cry?
Done that. Too much.
I still can't accept my failure.
Over and over again.
It's so frustrating, and really affect my self-esteem.

So, if there's anybody I am hard on, it was me
If there's anybody I am critical on? It was me too.
When I said I hate people, I hate myself the most.
More than anybody else.

9-Nov-2018; 14:43
Klang,

I wish I know what I was doing

at any time and place...
now, past, present, future...

because I don't
I don't know anything at all
is it a middle age crisis or I really don't figure out anything?

hopeless.

clueless.

happiness

Tell me the secret to happiness...

I have been searching for you
I have travel far and wide
I went to a bustling road, I can't find you there
then I assume you are in somewhere quite,
but you aren't there either

I saw some people with a lot of gold
I assumed they found you,
so I follow....
but i don't
and I end up burning myself

I assume the simpler the people live,
the more happier they are
I tried....
I failed.

Where are you
How can I find you

Show me how you look like...

Is the the fireworks on new year?
Is it the quiet and dark night?
Is it the lots of food I can eat?
Is it the many places I can travel to?
Is it the many faces admiring me?

Where are you?

Tell me.