Resetting Life

I have been posting about running out of time for so many time this year.

This one post by Serina saying that we are stressed because we are rushing. God is not rushing.
Of course! what are you expecting?! I am rushing because I can die. It's not like I can live forever.

Sometimes I just don't understand how those people who are god-abiding people, really see life is.
What do you expect me to live as.

Just live and wait for my life to end?
Never want to achieve anything?
I don't understand how to feel satisfaction with the life like that.

People said it's by giving, by wishing you can life well in the afterlife. The permanent life.
Ok but how?
If I can't even help myself now, how do I help others? How do I do good?

People said, just let god take the steering and He knows what's best for me.
Like how?
Is not able to eat is the best life I can do?
Feeling unhappy, unsatisfied, and wish I can just die or reset every single day of my life?

I really don't know much thing.

I wish I know.

I wish I can just run and disappear

I really hate it here.

With my heart. With every cell in my being.

So I wish, i wish to just run and disappear.

Just disappear.

Just.

Disappear.

Puff!

20-Dec-2018
Klang.

what is life

I'm sorry that all my latest post is about how depressing life is, because life is depressing. At least mine is.

Have you ever wake up and look at your life, and see how you didn't live to your full potential and feel extremely upset. As I grew older, i find it so true. I look back to my life and see how lonely it has become and in the end whatever i fight for is never worth it. Because, face it, it never materialized and in the end you are just this sad old woman, angry and upset all the time. Angry with the world for not happening according to your plan, and you can't do anything about it.

I wanted so much to change the life I live to be glorious, full of good things, helping people, be extraordinary. I challenged the stigma that you need to know somebody to be somebody. I try to do it on my own. Never ask anything from anyone. Never ask for help or anything.

.....but in the end, I'm still alone, still unsuccessful, still doing nothing, going nowhere, still need help from everybody around me.

I feel so useless.
I feel so worthless.

I wonder if life should just end.
Now.

What is apocalypse just happen now. So I don't have to think about life anymore.

end.
15-dec-18

The person you hate the most, yourself

People don't understand why am I upset all the time.
People don't understand when I complaint and all... they said that I complaint too much. I think too highly of myself. I look down on people. I am judgmental.

What they don't know is, I am most critical to myself.
I am always upset with myself more than others.
I am most critical to me.
I can't forgive me.
I hate myself.

I hate myself.

That's the truth.
More than anyone else,
more than everything else.

So, when I can't do what I want to do,
when I can't achieve what I plan to achieve,
I hate myself most.

Of course people will see that I criticize, that I complaint...
but the truth is, I am trying to approve myself.
I tried day and night
Everyday.
Everytime.
Cry?
Done that. Too much.
I still can't accept my failure.
Over and over again.
It's so frustrating, and really affect my self-esteem.

So, if there's anybody I am hard on, it was me
If there's anybody I am critical on? It was me too.
When I said I hate people, I hate myself the most.
More than anybody else.

9-Nov-2018; 14:43
Klang,

I wish I know what I was doing

at any time and place...
now, past, present, future...

because I don't
I don't know anything at all
is it a middle age crisis or I really don't figure out anything?

hopeless.

clueless.

happiness

Tell me the secret to happiness...

I have been searching for you
I have travel far and wide
I went to a bustling road, I can't find you there
then I assume you are in somewhere quite,
but you aren't there either

I saw some people with a lot of gold
I assumed they found you,
so I follow....
but i don't
and I end up burning myself

I assume the simpler the people live,
the more happier they are
I tried....
I failed.

Where are you
How can I find you

Show me how you look like...

Is the the fireworks on new year?
Is it the quiet and dark night?
Is it the lots of food I can eat?
Is it the many places I can travel to?
Is it the many faces admiring me?

Where are you?

Tell me.

Proposal

I am thinking of a movie plot of what happen to me today.

I work in uniform these days. Except for Saturday, I normally just wear anything I like. So, today I wear skirt just because I want to go out later. I even think of meeting Ivan just because... I am supposed to go for a New York Skin Solution trial. So I just want to feel pretty some times. Even have my heels..

So, today happen to be the day I dare to wear something so pretty and I already see all the foreign worker get a bit excited. Lol. Who tell you to be so pretty in a place where no lady work. Today also I chat with Ivan after I send that photo in a dress. I send him a Hypnose perfume photo, and he tell me the smell is dangerous. Like Seductive. I dont tell him that's why I love it.

Anyway, Mas today trying to be funny, give tissue flower to the bangla guy who I know might like me and said that I give him that. Then call another time, and tell him I give this one too. You can see his excitement, he even make that yes! gesture. I feel so bad. It's embarrassing, and awkward... So, I went to toilet to wash my mug today, when I come out, I heard somebody calling me. I expect that, but I don't know how to react when the guy come in front of me, kneel down and present me a purple flowers, and said "Mam, I love you". Now, I probably shouldn't take his flower but I don't know how to react in that situation. Now I am in a bit awkward situation.

I have been telling Ivan all the story from my office. Even about the older guy, the creepy one. Now with this guy which I don't remember the name of. I am thinking of how to get out of this situation, and Mas suggest that I just tell them that I had a boyfriend. I even tell Mas I am going for a date later. Now I am thinking of where to find a boyfriend. An express one. Then it hit me, it can be Ivan, because he has been hitting on me for sometimes now. He told me he has affection for me, maybe lust, but never said he likes me. Anyway, last night he said I am seducing him. To be frank, I probably is. A little bit. Today, when I told him my Hypnose is finishing, he said it is good so that I don't have that when we meet. I told him I can use a different one, and save it for later, but he said I don't have to try so hard to seduce him. Just tell him and he'll be gladly make it happen.

Now it is a perfect storyline for a rom-com there. I can ask him to pretend to be my boyfreind to chase away creep from office, but in the end we fall in love. LOL. 

Normal but it can be done. If only he looks like the guy he used as profile photo in OKC, it will be perfect.

Well, who said you cannot be the main actor for your own life movie..

I wish you are a bot

I wish you're a bot or something instead of real person..

I almost send this to a person this morning.
To be frank, I'd rather talk to a bot than a person.

24-8-18

How to stop hating yourself

Have you ever hate yourself? Have your ever feel like you're useless, worthless and do not contribute to the world, to the point that nobody will miss you when you're gone. To the point that nobody even notice that you are gone...

I have. And it eats me inside out.

Now today isn't particularly a good day for me. You see, I can't go to work today. I can't wake up. So, I wanted to stay at home, don't want to go to work... in the end, I still go to work, but as usual I am late.

So today I am so depressed and I hate myself too much. I hate that I can't be on time. I hate that my life is upside down. I hate that I achieve nothing. I hate that I am the way that I am...

I actually just need to know that I am loved by some people in the world. Be it family member, friend or even stranger. It is something that can help me loving myself again.
I need to feel good about myself, and by that i actually need a help from someone outsider to confirm me that I am worth of loving.
At the moment, I don't have that. no one at all. Nothing. Nobody.
Why can't anybody at least say they love me. Even my mom...

Bach and other people

I wish I am more committed in my plan for writing. I have been browsing my draft and the one I have last written was in May after the election and I still have not publish it. There's also no new draft after that. I wonder what happen to my will.

So, I was sick again yesterday. In fact, still am today. Anyway I have to come to work, on Saturday and not feeling well too. Well, at least it is for half day and I will bear with it. So I take my medicine, open internet and put on classical music to concentrate, but that is where it start to make me upset.

I wonder why some people doesn't appreciate classic. Classic help me to calm myself down, help me to be relax and focus on my reading or writing. The sound of violin, the sound of piano is my favourite. Then there's cello, organ, and so much more that you can appreciate.

I get it that you can't get my music taste, but to force me your music taste is as bad though. Force me to listen to that annoying lyrics, the degrading lyrics, the jumping sound and all.. The pop song that make you wanna dance for a while but will be forgotten in few weeks. It is okay that you can't listen to my music, but to tune it down for your untasteful music... I am sorry, I am pissed.

Listen... listen to that music, how it plays with your heartbeats, your brain signal, your nerve... But I can't force people to like a good, tasteful music... it's like you're telling people that if you don't listen to this you have no good taste in music, which is kinda true in my mind now. So, I'll let people listen to whatever they want as long as they don't force me to it too. And I will put on my earphone and mind my own business. 

Currently listening to Johann Sebastian Bach and I just notice how his family was named Johann *** Bach. What a weird way to be in this family. How much they want to maintain the family tradition. Must be stressful way to be raised in this high achieving musical family. How stressful if you're not gifted musically.

Anyway, Bach really made good music and definitely deserved to be called one of the greatest music composer of all time.

I rest my case.

Note: going to learn about music more after this.

Ex Machina - A review

I just happen to watch Ex-Machina today, and I can’t get it out of my mind. As I can’t have proper discussion, and I don’t really have anybody to talk to, I figure I shall write about it.

The movie is about a programmer Caleb who win a contest to spend one week at the CEO’s estate / research facility. Once there he found out that he has to participate as the human component in a Turing test with Ava an advance AI created by Nathan. What they don’t expect is how advance is Ava’s consciousness that she can manipulate and able to escape the facility and leave both Nathan and Caleb to die.

What spark my interest is how the human react to the AI, the naïve and nice Caleb Smith, lonely and vulnerable. There’s also, Nathan Bateman the genius billionaire, probably a psychopath, who has no empathy, no feeling whatsoever. It reminds me of me sometimes and how I see others. Then there’s the Google-like company (Bluebox) that read and exploit every single thing we trust.

Some brilliant plot they have. They are not new plot. It has been retold several time but how the story told and unfold is interesting. I know that there’s some plot-hole, like how can a one man genius able to create such an advanced AI without help from anybody else. As many in online forum point out, the state of AI now is not better and we still unable to create such an advanced AI is not due to we lack of of evil one man genius like Nathan, but because of the limitation of technology and resources. Like, for example the neural system. How do we create such an advance neural system of human-like AI, with brain that function without pre-programmed. As they point out, will we able to create such a complex neural system like brain, without hard programming into the system first.

There’s also the issue on the security. For me, if Nathan is that genius, he’ll check about the power shutdown and not relying on just what he’s been saying. There’s also issue on the security. If he’s that smart or unless he’s planning to die upfront, he’ll have better planning for the security.

I also don’t buy that Caleb is that naïve and able to ….

What really interests me is the drawing by Johnson.

“I am become death, the destroyer of the world” is what Caleb said to Nathan during the scene when both of them are sitting outside discussing on the possibility of AI dominate the world after humans are gone. This is what Oppenheimer said when he was detonating the atomic bomb.   A little while later when Nathan is passing out on vodka, he recites a poem –

“ In battle, in forest, at the precipice in the mountains,

On the dark great sea, in the midst of javelins and arrows,

In sleep, in confusion, in the depths of shame,

The good deeds a man has done before defend him”

And then.. “it’s Promethean, man.

“Embodiment and the inner life : Cognition and Consciousness in the Space of Possible Minds” Murray Shanahan.

26.01.2018

Maybe I've been cursed

I have been facing a lot of difficulties lately, especially in the last couple of years. What baffles me is how things can come one after another, continuously. It's like I've been cursed or something.

I'll just talk about the things that happen since last Sunday. At first, I left my debit card, student card and touch and go card with my Sony Walkman original red color inside my Mongolian pouch on top of autopay machine at Menara Getah Asli KL. Thus, I have to drive to klcc twice to retrieve that.

Let's talk about what happen today.
(Oh no.. Why la this uber playing cinta pantai merdeka.. now he's singing along and I feel like too).

So we went to pay my car full settlement at affin bank. We can't withdraw the money from affin because there's a limit for asb withdrawal. So, we need to go to rhb. I am now trying very much to stay true to any rules and regulations because I found that I am in very bad luck whenever I break any rules. For example that my car being clamped just because I park at other place. So, what happen is I normally use the seat belt. Anyway this time I don't, because Affin and RHB located so close to each other. Just when I turn to the corner at wetex parade, there stood 3 policemen and asking me to stop. Yes, I got a ticket for that..

Right after I pay the settlement, we reversed the car and guess what, the gear box having problems again. I feel they are too loose and can't engage the next gear. Damn. 

The gear stuck to R and I can't reset that. I am blocking the parking and everybody come looking. I can't restart because "R". I then decide that I need to call NSS and tow my car to Shah Alam. 

When does all this things happen to me one after another? I seldom want to believe about invisible things, but I don't know what to believe anymore now.

I write..

I start writing blog because I wanted to practice my writing. I don't have formal learning about writing other than from school. I  did not have formal literature schooling other than high school. I don't even think that I can be a very good writer. Knowledgeable, witty and engaging.

I really wonder if I can be a good writer. I always prefer male writer when reading blogs, or books, or article. This make me wonder if I can a different writer than those writer I don't like. For me most of female writers like to put too much unnecessary details. A lot of female writer choose topics which don't interest me too. Too much love story. Too many details. Too much of happily ever after. I just hope that I don't end up doing the same mistake that I hate.

Another reason that I find might effect my writing, is that I am such a private person. I value privacy too much, or probably I just have low self-esteem.

I do hope I can be more committed in writing. I do feel like I shall write more important stuff. I also think that keeping journal is a very good way to express yourself. I still won't write about lifestyle or what to wear or anything like most of the female writer, I just hope that I can write more imformative stuff. I also hope that I can leave something useful to anybody who happen to read. That, is my life aim.

11.1.2018 - Shah Alam